Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Okay, here I demonstrate Half Moon pose, that would be medialuna in castellano. My life as a Diva Porteña is a busy one of late. I don´t know how I fit it in all the fiestas, and milongas I attend with all the leche (milk) drinking, making caca and sleeping I do. But one thing I have started lately that keeps me sane...come to think of it, it actually makes me insane is baby yoga. I have started to do stretches when mi mamá puts me on the floor. Most of the poses I enjoy like taking my feet and putting in my boca (mouth), but now I am learning to roll over. What give me craze is Up Dog, and various Locust positions that I hav-ed tried. Oooooh how frustrat-ed I become and start to cry. Then mis viejos have to come over and turn me over so they don´t go craze over the noise. So Baby Yoga can be a little frustrating at times, but I keep it up because it is part of the program of learning how to crawl, which will be so much fun!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Mi mamá and papá have been talking about when I get a wee bit older on how to deal with me dating boys. Mi papi is much more relaxed, but mi mami....well lets just say she will be setting some high standards. Funny thing though, Tango Baby sent this application a few weeks ago, only mi mamá probably had to give me leche and did not finish reading the application. I guess she will have to modify it for Argentinos, first of all it will have to be written in castellano!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ______________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed?
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? ; __Yes __No
E. A tattoo?
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does
In 50 words or less, what does
Church you attend ______________________________
How often you attend ______________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________________ ____
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
Applicant's Signature (that means sign
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when yo u expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
R ule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bri ng my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Mi papi took mi in to get my ears pierc-ed last week. It is tradition here in Argentina for little girl babies to have bejewelled ears, but really it is to prevent embarrassment for other people so they can get the sex of the baby right when exclaiming how cute the nena or varon is. You should have seen the confused looks on peoples faces when mami would wrap me in a blue blanket or dress me in my favourite azul onsie. Mis viejos would explain that I wear blue because, duh mi middle name is AZUL! Anyways mi mami didn´t come with us, as she was a bit squeamish to watch, so it was mi papi´s y yo´s bonding time, and he picked out the biggest sparklers he could find, because I am his precious Reina.